i write a farewell blog to 2011

today i write a farewell to the year of 2011. 
it was a fair year. it was good, and simply, just an other year of my life, from which of course,
i'm thankful of . i thank my lord Jesus Christ for all the people i encountered this year, for my family, and their health, i want to thank him, our savior, for my blessings, and for protecting me always in all decision making and in all the tribulations i've been through. 


this year was the end of a hurtful relationship, that although i wish it were still alive, i am thankful it no longer is.  his name is Eric.  he meant the world to me, he was my world. through him i thought i found strength and happiness, but i was very wrong. nevertheless, i now remember him fondly. he is my past, and i thank him for making me strong girl. i thank him for teaching me how to love, (or so i think) and for being my best friend. 
he is truly an amazing boy, but he just wasn't for me. God only knows what will come next.


this year i got a great job, which i still have. i was blessed with an amazing job, that will allow me to expand my skills, and open doors to other great opportunities. 


i broke a heart this year, and God knows it was unintentional. i admire him for his persistence, and for trying to win my heart.  i told him no one had ever treated me like he did, which is true. it just so happens that you cannot say what the heart desires, or should feel. i tried making things work, but the feeling was not mutual. he is an amazing guy, so great, and the sweetest i've known. i hate that i now feel he sees me with other eyes; eyes of spite, and repent. i bet he regrets doing all that stuff for me. i feel he regrets ever sending me flowers or buying me the sailor scout collection..i just think that if he really meant what he felt for me, he would understand that i cannot make heart fall for him, if my heart is yet not healed, and just not ready to love. i wish him the best, and although i did what i did to him, i pray we can someday be friends; a clean friendship... i hope he forgives me; for i did nothing. i was kind and was sincere from the beginning. besides, he knows, we couldn't be.  take care. 


this year i am also thankful for my sister's, mother's, and father's accomplishments. they did great all year long. my mom maintained her job as well as my dad. my sister has an amazing job, and has managed to take care of me more than the usual. thanks to their hard work, they managed to surprise me with a trip to Las Vegas! it was my birthday present, and boy, did i have a blast?!. i thank them for always trying to make and keep me happy. they've seen me struggle with anxiety and depression...and i am now pleased to say that this year, it faded away a little. anxiety is hard to get rid of, but i can now manage it, and guess what?..i'm no longer depressed, i'm slowly but surely going back to who i was in the beginning. i now sing more, dance more, go out more, paint and draw more too.  i try to keep friends, and most importantly, i try to stay in touch. 


there's is this particular person i like to stay in touch with, and i'm thankful that he came back to my life. he knows who he is. he knows he's my dream guy, but as sure as he is to not want any sort of relationship, so am i.  i had lost all contact with him, until facebook reunited us once again. he is a bit of a jerk, but i only say that because he doesn't like me, as i like him...he actually is a sweetheart, intellectual, and almost perfect. so thank you facebook!


i'm thankful that my grandmother is not as sick as she used to be from her cancer, and that my old friend jessica, is better too. we were best friends, but time grows within people...i hope she is doing great wherever she is. 
ultimately, i am thankful for everyone and everything. i pray to my Jesus everyday, to make each day a better day, and the following year an even better one. 


FAREWELL 2011

i feel uncomfortable. i don't feel good, yet i don't feel bad. i pretty much don't feel anything. 


i pray this changes. i promised myself i wouldn't go out anymore, or drink. i'm not an alcoholic, or enjoy drinking,
it all happens in the moment. i know how to control myself, but the people i have surrounded myself with are getting this image of me that just isn't true. they might think of me as an ordinary girl that parties and drinks herself to sleep or to the floor. that is not me...bottom line, is that i have not been myself lately. 


i wish to meet someone special, someone who i can carry a conversation with, someone who will make me laugh and feel confident with. it's so difficult. but for that same reason, i will stop searching and focus on me. it will all arrive in due time.  i want to dress nicely for a dinner, or date, and just feel an illusion.


i had a rough weekend, and unexpected and strange weekend. i had a car accident, from which i thank my lord jesus i am, fine, and my cousin as well. it was terrifying but i hope it all gets better. i can't afford this kind of tragedies. i have too many things to do, and such a busy schedule. people need to see that. 


i am a good girl, responsible, and simply good. 

irreplaceable; or so i thought.

i thought the day would never come. the day when he; the one i loved very much, would move on with another girl. he pretended he loved me for so long; never did much for me, and used me. i cared for him and gave him my all. for what? all he did was play and leave me. he was in my life for 4 years, including my high school years, we practically grew up together through hard times. we broke up, and he arrived 6 months ago and pleaded for me to take him back, idiotically, i did. i thought i could give it another try, maybe this time he would change. but 2 months later, he leaves me again, with no answers, nothing left, with an empty hole in my chest and a fucked up brain. he messed me up emotionally, and physically. he is a piece of shit, and although i want to hate him, i cant. it is so hard. that is what he deserves, but my kind heart that still loves him and cares for him very much cant allow that. all i can do is wish him good; for my Lord Jesus will handle the rest. 


the days go by slowly, and painfully. it is not healthy, and not fun. i 'm sad most of the days, and have no energy. my heart was broken into little pieces, i wish his was too. i wish i would have been the big one in the relationship, the one who does the bad ,and yet gets away with it. the one that hurts and makes the other cry, and gets  begged to come back. i wonder how that feels. my dignity is in the floor, and all stepped over by him. i can't express how much i want to scream, and how much i would like to not give a fuck.


i am too good, too sweet, caring, and all that might sum up to being stupid. i've learned that pride is very well needed during these times. i'm working on me, and although i keep having downfalls, i'm gonna be a better stronger person, for that whenever he wants to come back, i can fuck him over. 

speechless.

i haven't written here lately. i have nothing much to say. although yesterday i had a great night.


one of those nights where everything is so unexpected, and turns out wonderful. this boy that i know treated me like a queen. the way i've always wanted to be treated like. he knows who he is. he can sure make a girl happy. he sure made me happy. i have never been treated like that. my self esteem is beneath me. it is slow and i am working on getting up there again. i mentioned to him that i haven't been myself lately, and that i wish to be myself again.
 in order to love someone, i need to love myself first. i lost all dignity that day i cried and begged him to stay. i'm in recuperation. yet, although, i'm in the process of looking ahead, my heart still is broken, and has not healed.
only time can say when my heart will heal. although there is someone out there that can heal my wounds, as he states, i need to heal them first on my own. i need to be free in heart, mind, and soul.  but i am grateful for the opportunities god provides me. he provides me with hope.


i have been broken lately, but i promised to not let that happen again. i am really trying. for my family, and myself.

my sister and i are the bestest friends in the world. despite our 8 year age difference, we are so perfect for each other. if i could marry her and was a man, i would...no i kid, but yeah, she's that amazing. she always talk to me and will give the best advice. although i'm heart broken and sad and all that junk, she'll tell me upfront what i should do. she's that typical person that slaps you back to reality. without the slapping of course. only sometimes when she brusque..anyways, the point of the story or today's blog is that she always gives me this great sensation for a brighter day. today i felt sad in the morning...i had lunch with her as i do everyday, and we had a talk. she made me realize that i need to see what's already in front of me and be grateful what i do have not for what i do not have. i need to stop wondering, and questioning the occurred as well as complaining of what i do not have...

i have so many things. i  mention them everyday. my family is healthy, together, and well, i am good too. i will look for that peace. and i pray that my heart had its peace. 

in other news, my car is in the shop, i was given an estimate yesterday as to how much it will cost me to fix it, and gee, i was surprised!! $1,500..so much money. i need to keep looking. i get all lost and confused as to what to do. i need the help of a man. my daddy helps, but not too much; for he works always and is tired. ah, i well get through this and i wish all a wonderful weekend!!

another day..another thought.

other people have greater problems. why do i always find a way to feel miserable? i am good, my family is good. everything is good. the only thing hurting at this moment is my heart. it really hurts. i can't seem to move on. 
i guard my heart with a shield, i take care of it; for it  has been hurt. it is my temple, my home and i shall preserve it. i will soon move on, and i understand time heals all wounds. it is very hard to forget the past. and i'm not even sure if i have forgiven...i do forgive and i will do so, but in the meantime i must look ahead; which is what i have been doing lately. i am coming up with new ideas and inspirations, but at times i hurt so much that i have no energy to do anything but reminisce of the past, and the present, and what the future might hold. i'm afraid of staying alone for a long time, and i am afraid of no one ever finding me, and meeting the real me.  my ex boyfriend is the past, but why does he seem so present in my life? my mind needs to rest. all this time alone at work makes my head spin and perhaps a bit silly. that explains these silly thoughts. i hate thinking this stuff but i do realize it is the enemy making me think like this. my lord guides me; therefore, i shall not fear. they are just thoughts that come and go as the time does. the moment i am alone, i feel sad, but the moment i am doing something productive, i am fine.  i do not want to jump into any relationship now, but if it happens, the doors are open. 


this week i have a few outings. i hope to go to dinners and meet up with old friends. i hope all goes well. 




in other, better news: my aunt from san angelo,  texas arrives today. she will be visiting my family and my grampies for an entire week, which is great. tia lucy brings haley over (her daughter) who i love so much. she's an adorable little angel.  i'll post pictures soon.   
for now, all i pray to achieve for the day is a workout routine and well,
a joyful and peaceful evening. 


many blessing, krispi.

more & more....

i have become more and more energized. i thank mt lord so much. 


yesterday i felt sad, and a bit sick, so much that i had to leave work. my anxiety kicks in at random times and at time interferes with my life. i really wish it didn't, but well, it does. i am going to heal. time is all i need. and with all these kreations i have come inspired to do, i will be better, that's a done deal i have made with me, myself, and i. 


i forgot to mentioned that despite my weirdness as others may categorize me, i am a cool girl! i have been told that i am a chest full of surprises. i can sing opera, and anything actually. i may not be the most astonishing singer in the world, but i can too guarantee that i will amaze many with my voice. some have told me i have a voice similar to that of Fergie and Jesus. silly person that said that. but with that been said, the reason i mention it is because i decided that i will also put money aside to pay for vocal lessons, that is, to improve my already embellished voice, and also. before i forget to mention. as a singer, i am considered a musiciam: therefore, i can follow music with whatever provided harmony. i want to learn to play the guitar, and continue playing the piano, like i once did. oh and the harmonica like Bob Dylan did. (i recently bought one with instructions and stuff) anyways, that's all for now.