irreplaceable; or so i thought.

i thought the day would never come. the day when he; the one i loved very much, would move on with another girl. he pretended he loved me for so long; never did much for me, and used me. i cared for him and gave him my all. for what? all he did was play and leave me. he was in my life for 4 years, including my high school years, we practically grew up together through hard times. we broke up, and he arrived 6 months ago and pleaded for me to take him back, idiotically, i did. i thought i could give it another try, maybe this time he would change. but 2 months later, he leaves me again, with no answers, nothing left, with an empty hole in my chest and a fucked up brain. he messed me up emotionally, and physically. he is a piece of shit, and although i want to hate him, i cant. it is so hard. that is what he deserves, but my kind heart that still loves him and cares for him very much cant allow that. all i can do is wish him good; for my Lord Jesus will handle the rest. 


the days go by slowly, and painfully. it is not healthy, and not fun. i 'm sad most of the days, and have no energy. my heart was broken into little pieces, i wish his was too. i wish i would have been the big one in the relationship, the one who does the bad ,and yet gets away with it. the one that hurts and makes the other cry, and gets  begged to come back. i wonder how that feels. my dignity is in the floor, and all stepped over by him. i can't express how much i want to scream, and how much i would like to not give a fuck.


i am too good, too sweet, caring, and all that might sum up to being stupid. i've learned that pride is very well needed during these times. i'm working on me, and although i keep having downfalls, i'm gonna be a better stronger person, for that whenever he wants to come back, i can fuck him over. 

speechless.

i haven't written here lately. i have nothing much to say. although yesterday i had a great night.


one of those nights where everything is so unexpected, and turns out wonderful. this boy that i know treated me like a queen. the way i've always wanted to be treated like. he knows who he is. he can sure make a girl happy. he sure made me happy. i have never been treated like that. my self esteem is beneath me. it is slow and i am working on getting up there again. i mentioned to him that i haven't been myself lately, and that i wish to be myself again.
 in order to love someone, i need to love myself first. i lost all dignity that day i cried and begged him to stay. i'm in recuperation. yet, although, i'm in the process of looking ahead, my heart still is broken, and has not healed.
only time can say when my heart will heal. although there is someone out there that can heal my wounds, as he states, i need to heal them first on my own. i need to be free in heart, mind, and soul.  but i am grateful for the opportunities god provides me. he provides me with hope.


i have been broken lately, but i promised to not let that happen again. i am really trying. for my family, and myself.

my sister and i are the bestest friends in the world. despite our 8 year age difference, we are so perfect for each other. if i could marry her and was a man, i would...no i kid, but yeah, she's that amazing. she always talk to me and will give the best advice. although i'm heart broken and sad and all that junk, she'll tell me upfront what i should do. she's that typical person that slaps you back to reality. without the slapping of course. only sometimes when she brusque..anyways, the point of the story or today's blog is that she always gives me this great sensation for a brighter day. today i felt sad in the morning...i had lunch with her as i do everyday, and we had a talk. she made me realize that i need to see what's already in front of me and be grateful what i do have not for what i do not have. i need to stop wondering, and questioning the occurred as well as complaining of what i do not have...

i have so many things. i  mention them everyday. my family is healthy, together, and well, i am good too. i will look for that peace. and i pray that my heart had its peace. 

in other news, my car is in the shop, i was given an estimate yesterday as to how much it will cost me to fix it, and gee, i was surprised!! $1,500..so much money. i need to keep looking. i get all lost and confused as to what to do. i need the help of a man. my daddy helps, but not too much; for he works always and is tired. ah, i well get through this and i wish all a wonderful weekend!!

another day..another thought.

other people have greater problems. why do i always find a way to feel miserable? i am good, my family is good. everything is good. the only thing hurting at this moment is my heart. it really hurts. i can't seem to move on. 
i guard my heart with a shield, i take care of it; for it  has been hurt. it is my temple, my home and i shall preserve it. i will soon move on, and i understand time heals all wounds. it is very hard to forget the past. and i'm not even sure if i have forgiven...i do forgive and i will do so, but in the meantime i must look ahead; which is what i have been doing lately. i am coming up with new ideas and inspirations, but at times i hurt so much that i have no energy to do anything but reminisce of the past, and the present, and what the future might hold. i'm afraid of staying alone for a long time, and i am afraid of no one ever finding me, and meeting the real me.  my ex boyfriend is the past, but why does he seem so present in my life? my mind needs to rest. all this time alone at work makes my head spin and perhaps a bit silly. that explains these silly thoughts. i hate thinking this stuff but i do realize it is the enemy making me think like this. my lord guides me; therefore, i shall not fear. they are just thoughts that come and go as the time does. the moment i am alone, i feel sad, but the moment i am doing something productive, i am fine.  i do not want to jump into any relationship now, but if it happens, the doors are open. 


this week i have a few outings. i hope to go to dinners and meet up with old friends. i hope all goes well. 




in other, better news: my aunt from san angelo,  texas arrives today. she will be visiting my family and my grampies for an entire week, which is great. tia lucy brings haley over (her daughter) who i love so much. she's an adorable little angel.  i'll post pictures soon.   
for now, all i pray to achieve for the day is a workout routine and well,
a joyful and peaceful evening. 


many blessing, krispi.

more & more....

i have become more and more energized. i thank mt lord so much. 


yesterday i felt sad, and a bit sick, so much that i had to leave work. my anxiety kicks in at random times and at time interferes with my life. i really wish it didn't, but well, it does. i am going to heal. time is all i need. and with all these kreations i have come inspired to do, i will be better, that's a done deal i have made with me, myself, and i. 


i forgot to mentioned that despite my weirdness as others may categorize me, i am a cool girl! i have been told that i am a chest full of surprises. i can sing opera, and anything actually. i may not be the most astonishing singer in the world, but i can too guarantee that i will amaze many with my voice. some have told me i have a voice similar to that of Fergie and Jesus. silly person that said that. but with that been said, the reason i mention it is because i decided that i will also put money aside to pay for vocal lessons, that is, to improve my already embellished voice, and also. before i forget to mention. as a singer, i am considered a musiciam: therefore, i can follow music with whatever provided harmony. i want to learn to play the guitar, and continue playing the piano, like i once did. oh and the harmonica like Bob Dylan did. (i recently bought one with instructions and stuff) anyways, that's all for now. 

krispi kreations.

ok so the name of my business will be "krispi kreations".cool huh? i had said krispi treats, but i don't wanna be sewed by the pop, snap, and crackle. i sold another 3 sets this morning and i really hope to sell more. i did the baggies and did a real cute logo which i place in the front of the bag.. i am proud of myself. i just need all the tools needed to make more stuff. ah! so many ideas.


i wanna use this blog for my small business, since i feel like an entrepreneur, but i will also write about my daily life and anything i encounter. i will have dinner with an old friend tonight and hopefully we can hit the bar and sing some tunes in karaoke night...let's see where the night takes us. oh by the way her name is jessica. nice girl. we've had drama but no big deal. 


i other news my emotions are still a wreck. i feel sad most of the time, but i thank my lord for the inspirations he's brought to me and the strengths he's given to move on forward without looking back. i think about it most of the time and wonder, and ask myself: "am i not normal? am i not good enough?..am i annoying? i mean, do i get to people's nerves?.. i don't know. i just want to not feel lonely, and rejected. its not like it matter what people think; for i can do anything with my lord who strengthens me, but at time its overbearing.




<3-krispi

ideas flourished..!!!

so far my ideas flourished. i had the energy needed to start on what i mentioned yesterday. i was so inspired that i went on investing to create beautiful pieces and accessories to sale. i think i did a nice job and hopefully others think so too. i sold my first set this morning to a kind co-worker. so that's for that. my sister and i keep coming up with wonderful ideas. now we want to do some shirts and i want to make some tote bags...oh so many dreams to accomplish. i mean these are small goals, i have my bigger ones at a near future like becoming a surgeon and what not, but that's another story. in regards to my business that's all for now.